Throughout my college career I conquered it all. I completed two internships, started taking graduate courses early, held a job all 4 years, was a resident assistant, senior orientation leader, in MULTIPLE clubs (on the executive board of a few of them) etc, all the while able to have a social life. So when my last year was approaching I was one of few people not afraid of the “real world”.
Then I met fear. A month into my last semester of college I found out I was pregnant. So I started planning, cause that’s what I do to put me at ease. I thought I was ready to take on the pregnancy, until I remembered I had to face people. Telling my family was not a problem, they love me no matter what. But I was so afraid of everyone else, professors, colleagues, peers, even friends and what they would think of me. I was afraid of falling short of the expectations others had set for me.
So I hid.
Not intentionally; and for a while I did not even realize I was hiding. But then people I used to speak to everyday on campus started asking me “where have you been”. Next thing I knew hiding in my dorm room was not enough, so I ran. I started going home every weekend at first, then every week day. I missed classes, meetings, and even called out of my on-campus job a few times.
I thought I would regain my confidence after graduation and reveal to the world my wonderful little secret, but it never happened. I spent my 40 week, 4 day pregnancy afraid to leave the house in fear that I would run into a friend on the street and they would see my huge watermelon sized stomach. I was even too afraid of shame to let people tag me in pictures online and reveal my new identity to the world. And it wasnt because I didnt want to be a mother, Ive always looked forward to being a mom, but I felt that I had let everyone else down.
Then the fears multiplied. I was afraid of labor, afraid of being induced, afraid of epidural, afraid of a c section, afraid of parenting. Worst of all, afraid of letting anyone know i was afraid. Leaving me to fight the battle alone, trying to maintain the front that I was fearless.
In the confines of my mind I was dealing with fears so intense, I was suffering. Then it all happened, and it all happened at once. Everything I was fearing happened all in the same day,
and it was perfect.
All this time what I thought was fear, was success, it was growth, and true accomplishment. I have learned that when you are about to truly face something you are meant to do and become the person you are meant to become, it is not supposed to be easy. True progress is supposed to be so profound that all you want to do is run in the opposite direction, because you know once you embrace it, there is no turning back and nothing will be the same.
I felt it again today as I was putting the finishing touches on my new website (ms.getright.com). What we think is fear is really just us stepping outside of ourselves and shedding old skin. The honor student, multi tasking person I was in college was amazing, sure! But if I allowed myself to believe that graduating and getting a good job was all I could bear then I would have stunted a great potential I never knew I had
Because I am not afraid of your rejection. Nor am I afraid of your acceptance. So don’t fear my success, support me!
Thank you so much for reading.